EMBRACING MODERN MOURNING: How Social Networking Transforms the Landscape of Grief

In the 20th century, Western culture shrouded death in silence, relegating mourning practices and death rites to the shadows of our collective awareness. A veil was drawn over death, making it a topic rarely discussed, especially with the young. However, a paradigm shift has occurred in recent times, with death now finding an open channel of dialogue, most notably within the public realm of social networking.

The advent of social networking has paved a way for adolescents to navigate the intricate landscape of grief and embrace online mourning practices during times of loss. This digital platform not only allows them to express their emotions but also offers a window into the reactions and coping mechanisms of others. Through blogs, websites, and social media interactions, the tapestry of thanatechnology emerges – a fusion of technology and the exploration of death, mourning, and grieving practices.

Enter the digital realm of Facebook, a unique space that provides adolescents with an avenue to commemorate the loss of a peer. Adolescence, a phase defined by peer influence, finds its perfect medium in Facebook's virtual embrace. The need for belonging fosters a shared experience, particularly when adult guidance takes a backseat. This digital connection forms a web of mourners, knitting together a community of solace and understanding.

Within the bounds of Facebook, the memorialization of accounts unveils a modern form of preserving the legacy of the departed. Once an account is memorialized, it morphs into a sanctuary of memories. The deceased's presence endures without the intrusion of new connections, and their absence remains discreetly tucked away. The option of creating a 'page' or 'group' emerges as a solution. Memorial pages stand open to the public, extending an invitation for visitors to express their connection by 'liking' the page. Typically, the page's creator becomes the steward of its activity, but sometimes memorial 'groups' provide a more collectively controlled environment, where membership is granted through approval by various stewarding members. This digital lasting presence, often referred to as 'digital immortality,' keeps memories alive in the virtual cosmos.

For adolescents, this digital haven proves invaluable. Geographical barriers or transient lives lived between different states and countries that do not allow for a physical connection to the deceased grave, no longer hinder expressions of love and remembrance. The digital diaspora accommodates those who aren't yet ready to verbalize their grief. Public acknowledgment reaffirms their bond with the departed, nurturing a sense of belonging and empowerment. The beauty lies in its adaptability, granting participants the freedom to engage at their own pace, contributing or observing as emotions ebb and flow. This harmonizes with the fluctuating emotional journey of bereavement, fostering an environment of growth and healing.

Facebook's allure, as posited by Marwick and Ellison (2012), hinges on its 'persistence, replicability, scalability, and searchability.' The virtual canvas retains its aesthetic integrity, echoing the departed's essence. Yet, this virtual tableau morphs into a medium of connection, where mourners converse directly with the departed, forming an unconventional dialogue that resonates with fellow friends. As these interactions unfurl, a sense of belonging deepens, amplifying the tapestry of shared memories.

Research identifies three primary types of posts that grace Facebook memorials: heartfelt messages directed to the departed, interactions within the group's embrace, and posts from those who never knew the departed, addressing the group or the deceased. Yet, there exists a fourth kind, a lesser-known entry in the annals of memorial literature. This form sees individuals composing posts in the first person, speaking directly to their departed loved ones. Often reserved for anniversaries and special occasions, this personal testament encapsulates the enduring bond that transcends time and space.

In a poignant example, a 17-year-old Facebook user, in a heartfelt tribute, expresses:

"I truly don't know what to say anymore. You're forever the best dad in the world. So undeserving what happened to you, and living life without you is the biggest struggle; but I stay strong like you always were. So blessed to ALWAYS be your daughter, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You're the greatest dad! Heart of gold and no one compares. I love love love you. Distance doesn't stop my love for you, just strengthens it. Miss you so much: Happy Father's Day baba mou xxxxxxxxxxx. 17-year-old Facebook user, 2013."

In the evolving landscape of modern living, social networking emerges as a powerful tool, transforming the dynamics of grief and remembrance. Within the virtual tapestry of Facebook, the legacy of the departed finds a lasting abode, where emotions intertwine, stories flourish, and connections endure.

What adds intrigue to this phenomenon is its tendency to extend to individuals who likely never had a presence on Facebook during their lifetime. This trend is particularly conspicuous in the realm of mourning the loss of a cherished family pet. 

Take, for instance, the poignant tribute: 'RIP my dear little sooty, we will miss you so much xx. A 16-year-old Facebook user, 2013.' 

The paradox of grieving for a being that one never met may confound some. Yet, it's crucial to recognize that adolescents often perceive this as a customary practice. A striking illustration of this is observed in the collective mourning for celebrities. A mere search for 'R.I.P. Michael Jackson' on Facebook yields a tapestry of over 100 groups. The most prominent among these boasts a staggering 332,178 followers. This phenomenon aligns with Noppe and Noppe's (2004) proposition that the initial encounter with grief during adolescence might stem from the loss of a celebrity idol. Furthermore, another perspective suggests that such acts could be an attempt to address unresolved grief. DeGroot (2009) aptly coins the term 'emotional rubberneckers' to depict individuals who extend condolences to the departed and fellow group members, despite never having met the deceased. This seemingly perplexing behavior can be attributed to a desire to connect with the departed, draw attention to their passing, or genuinely extend support.

Another impetus behind crafting a memorial page on Facebook for a departed individual is to illuminate specific illnesses or societal issues. A somber instance is the memorial page of Amanda Todd, a 16-year-old Canadian student who tragically succumbed to suicide following relentless cyberbullying. The mission of her Facebook memorial page is to 'Spread awareness of the effects of bullying.' The page, which has amassed over 652,486 followers (https://www.facebook.com/RestAmandaTodd), states, 'This is an open page. We are trying to keep up with deleting negative comments and banning trollers, please be patient. Thank you.'"

This poignant episode underscores some of the challenges inherent in online memorials. While Facebook forbids anonymous comments, the specter of 'trolls' and 'grief tourists' frequently emerges in contemporary discourse surrounding Facebook memorials. The term 'trolls' is assigned to those who fabricate false profiles and disseminate inflammatory remarks on memorial pages. The sinister practice of 'R.I.P. trolling' seeks to provoke and distress those who are grieving. Trolls often target high-profile tragedies to garner a larger audience and amplify reactions. The distinction between an 'emotional rubbernecker' or 'grief tourist' and a troll lies in their intent; the former is more likely to convey a message of solace rather than destruction. To illustrate, a grief tourist is akin to an individual strolling through a cemetery, contemplating the stories behind the tombstones, while a R.I.P. troll mirrors one who desecrates a gravesite. 

In the ever-shifting panorama of digital existence, the dynamics of mourning come to life in unique and unexpected ways. From virtual tributes to departed pets to the commemoration of beloved celebrities, social networking platforms offer a canvas where grief intertwines with remembrance, birthing a tapestry of emotions and connections that echo through the digital corridors of time.

(This article is based on Frost, M. (2014). The Grief Grapevine: Facebook Memorial Pages and Adolescent Bereavement. Journal of Psychologists and Counsellors in Schools, 24(2), 256–265. https://doi.org/10.1017/jgc.2013.30)

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