GRIEVING FOR ABANDONING OUR OWN SELVES

As absurd as this may sound, one of the most common sources of resistance to getting psychologically better that I encounter in my work, is the client's internal realisation that they have neglected themselves for at least as long as the time they were helplessly subject to abuse and attack. In other words, we resist getting better, because we are afraid confronting our participation in the abuse we want to denounce.

Most people think that trauma is what happens to you, so trauma is your mother's depression, your father's alcoholism, a divorce, your parents fighting, physical or sexual abuse, but those are not the trauma, those are traumatic. Trauma is not what happens to you but how your system integrates that traumatic experience by changing your whole physiology into something more adapted to the traumatic experience. So it happens in you, and then it is a you-to-you relationship that develops... For the most part we develop a negative view of the world, a negative view of ourselves, a disconnection from our emotions, a defensive view of other people, and a difficulty being in the present moment. So the essence of trauma is loss of self, not a giving to self. (Gabor Matte)

The psychological burden caused by this complex and thick inner condition overflows into disorders of all kinds, however, from obesity to self-harming, from suicidal thoughts to immune system diseases. Unearthing all of these emotional and psychological burdens from the mind and body is the work of healing and therapy, but before this can happen, the subject must be ready to grief. Peter Walker puts it succintly:

I usually find that this work involves a considerable amount of grieving. Typically, this entails many tears about the loss and pain of being so long without healthy self-interest and self-protective skills. 

When we are subject to abuse and neglect, we not only suffer the abuse and neglect, but learn to normalise the rules of the behaviour that causes it. We are taught to abuse and neglect ourselves, and by the time the original sources of abuse and neglect disappear, we have often become our greatest source of harm. The pain and loss of being for so long without healthy self-interest and self-protective skills initially overwhelm us and makes the prospect of talking about the abuse and neglect absurd. We discount the value of speaking out because we anticipate the irony in our doing so. It is this fundamental sense of responsibility and loss that makes the feeling of shame and rage the underlying unconscious emotion of all trauma-healing journeys.

When we seek healing, therefore, we must resign to admit not only to our shame, but also to the rage for the abuse received and perpetrated on ourselves by ourselves. 

This anger can then be worked into recovering a healthy fight-response that is the basis of the instinct of self-protection, of balanced assertiveness, and of the courage that will be needed in the journey for creating relationships based on equality and fairness.

Grieving well begins with a shift in our attitude towards our hurt. At some point, for many a reason, we become able to turn around towards our hurt and assume responsibility for it, whether for the sake of someone we love, or the sake of our own physical and psychological survival. Taking ownership for the abuse, betrayal, and neglect we have experienced, allows us to cut down on our own self-induced abuse, betrayal and neglect, and by this reduce the intensity of our hurt. 

It is really a counter-intutive move. But it is what it is.

The first act of purging hurt, begins by accepting in us that which in us has learnt to hurt. The tightening of the chest, and the crushing pain in our stomachs, is the grieving of your own abandonment of your self. If you can manage to pass through this gate, you will be relieved of a major layer of viciously spiraling thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, and well on your way to live a lighter and more authentic life.  

The trauma said: “Don’t write these poems. Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones.” But my bones said, “Tyler Clementi jumped from the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River convinced he was entirely alone.” My bones said, “Write the poems.” (Andrea Gibson, The Madness Vase)

Wishing you Well,

Your Shrink in Bansko