SHE COULDN'T GET OVER HER MOTHER'S DEATH: RE-ENGAGING WITH MOM

We continue here from SHE COULDN'T GET OVER HER MOTHER'S DEATH: AN INTERNAL DIALOGUE.

Holding the Feeling

I: Yeah. So there are things that most of the time, I should say, when I’m thinking of her, it makes me positive. It’s more the feeling that comes when I don’t invite it to. [Wipes eye.]

T: Ah, yeah, yeah [glancing up thoughtfully and shaking head slowly]. So sometimes those feelings will come uninvited. And of course, even if they’re born of love, they carry strong feelings of loss. And I wonder if at those times it would be possible to find ways to invite Mom’s presence alongside them, almost to help you carry them, you know [extends open hands, as if carrying something]. [Inge nods.] When you describe this kind of box [makes box shape with hands at the level of his abdomen] that you kind of contain the feelings in, what did you say it is made of?

I: I don’t know, something metal or very strong. T: Like iron?

I: Yeah!

T: And what did you call her?

I: Oh! The Iron Lady!

T: The Iron Lady. Maybe she’s in a very good position to help you with this. Maybe she specializes in some of the strength that you now need as you carry this feeling and share it with others who are willing to stand in it, for even a short time. It needn’t be something you’re alone with.

I: Yeah. [Nods.]

As she begins rewriting the terms of attachment to Mom, Inge confesses a problem: the invited memories may bring joy, but the uninvited ones can still bring pain. Robert then weaves back to the metaphor of finding help carrying the grief, and associate it to the container Inge and Robert co-constructed earlier: it, like Mom, is strong as iron. Completing this surprising connection, Inge brightens, and Robert feels a rush of emotion and admiration for Inge and the deep reconstruction of relation she is opening to after decades of impasse.

Re-engaging With Mom

T: [spoken emotionally] And that can be a loving gift that you allow your mother to give you, still, right? [Pause while Inge cries and nods, choked with emotion.] Do you have any mementos of her that you keep close to you?

I: Ihavealotofthings;Ihaveherjewelry;IhaveherdiariesthatIhavenotread.Istarted to read, but I thought they were too personal and not meant for her children [laughs], so after reading a little bit. . .

T: [jokingly] Maybe some stories that we’re not ready to hear! [Both laugh.]

I: So I have a lot of things of her. I put her engagement ring on [pointing to it proudly]. I never put it on, but I thought today. . .

T: Can I see? [Inge begins to take the ring off.)] No, leave it on. . . . It’s quite beautiful [leaning in, touching it appreciatively].

I: So today I put it on because I thought. . .

T: Yeah, it’s a large diamond, right? And is it surrounded by other stones, or is that a beautiful setting?

I: I think it’s just a setting. And I never carried it. It’s just in a box in my bathroom.

T: An engagement ring. And you are still engaged with her, aren’t you? You’re engaging with her right now. 

I:Right.

T: [spoken with emotion] And this is a kind of present she gave you. [Pause, as Inge cries softly and nods.] The present of presence. And she is here with us, in a way. In this moment and this action. [Long pause, as Inge nods, gazes at the ring and exhales audibly.] Maybe this spontaneous action on your part, right [handing Inge a tissue to replace the one she has used], bringing this ring and wearing it as you have—it’s almost like an intuitive recognition that this is what you need a little more of. It’s not her absence but her presence, invited in this concrete way. And you bring her here to be with me [looking and gesturing to Mother’s photo in the chair]; you invite others to hear the story. You kind of listen and look for opportunities to speak something of the beauty and the sadness of her life to those who are willing to hear the story. And there are some others [Inge nods, looking at therapist intently], if we seek them out carefully.

In deep and substantially shared emotion, Inge and Robert discover in her impromptu decision to wear her mother’s engagement ring for the first time on her birthday, a remarkable linking object that helps cement their “re-engagement” with one another, after decades of disconnection. This “present of presence,” given originally by mother to daughter and reciprocated by Inge’s proudly wearing the ring to her session with me, now fully invokes Mom’s presence in our therapy and, more importantly, in Inge’s ongoing life. Reorienting in my remarks to this broader social world—with Erik in particular, watching with An and others in another room—I suggest that she has already taken strong steps toward the reopening of her mother’s story to appreciative others, hinting at a social as well as personal reconstruction of the meaning of their shared lives in a way that calls forward Mother’s presence.

Closing Reflections

T: [continuing emotionally] As we come into our final minutes of this session, Inge, I just want to acknowledge that I’m touched by your story. I’m touched by the love that you carry beyond the grave, giving it a place in you as you carry it with you through a life that continues to be touched by her absence but also by her strength. [Inge nods.] And it feels like an offering to her that you don’t only reserve only for her birthday. But in some important way, she’s with you year-round. [Inge cries and smiles.] [Pause] And I wonder if you have any thoughts or questions or concerns for me in these last minutes of our session, to anything we have spoken about, or where you would like to go with this?

I: I think I have realized through hearing this that I have tried to keep her in a box and keep the feeling very much in a box. But for me [spoken slowly, reflectively], I would feel better not putting it in a box but having her help me through it.

T: (summarizing, emotion in voice) “Maybe I would feel better not putting her in a box but having her help me through it.” I don’t think anyone could say it any better than that [both teary].

I: ’Cause I saw it as a negative thing, and maybe it’s not a negative thing.

T: Maybe it’s not a negative thing, right? Maybe that kind of silent sea can also become something other than just a threatening space, like it could become something not negative?

I: Yeah [nodding]. And I have had this feeling when she died, because I was so close to her, I think, that I was somewhat uninvited after her life.

T: That you were uninvited after her life?

I: [weeping] That there was something there that I knew I had to do my best to still be. . . T: Like she was requiring that of you, or. . . ?

I: No, that she had been a safe place, and with her gone, I would have to fend for myself and prove my own worth without a safe place. . .

T: Just as she did.

I: Right.

T: Just as she did. To work hard to prove your worth? [Inge nods yes.] But you also phrase that in the past tense, almost with an implication that maybe it doesn’t have to stay that way? Maybe there’s a different way to find security or. . . ?

I: [nodding] I realized, when I was younger, I thought I would just feel better once I had worked hard and earned a spot. And then I realized because I turned 40 this year, and I thought this feeling hasn’t really changed, so it’s not about getting better at things because I could get better and better in many things, but the feeling is not going to change.

T: Maybe this is a lesson of her life? [Inge nods repeatedly.] And so what would be [spoken slowly] needed then, rather than more hard work? Is there a second message of her life that would give us a hint about that? Another way?

I: [long pause] I don’t know.

T: There seemed to be something, right, that you glimpsed, in that idea of not just having to grimly carry it yourself in this contained fashion but having her help you with it. [Inge nods.] It seemed almost as if that would be a shared weight to carry. I was just trying to imagine ways of inviting her in. Maybe this [gesturing to suggest the ring], the ring of engagement, is a way of inviting her in. But maybe there are other ways too?

I: Right [nodding], right.

Summarizing the key themes of the session and validating Inge’s impressive, if incipient reconstruction of her relationship with her mother, Robert invites her thoughts on where she is now. She responds with the articulation of new awareness: she has struggled for decades to box up both her grief and her mother, creating a prolonged, complicated grief that has changed minimally in 23 years. Her solution to this grief and the loss of the “safe place” her mother provided was, by identification with Mom, unremitting hard work to “prove” herself and earn a place in the world. Now, however, she realizes that no amount of success can achieve this, and she glimpses the radical possibility that inviting her mother’s greater presence in her life might help restore the strength and safety she requires. 

In our closing reading, we add further fuel to this bright flame of possibility. Continue below to see Inge's future steps.

SHE COULDN'T GET OVER HER MOTHER'S DEATH: RE-ENGAGING WITH MOM pt.2

Future Steps

T: What would be some? I guess you’re inviting her in, in this conversation, right, with me. [Inge: Yes.] This is one step. Would there be another step in the same direction?

I: [pause] That’s hard to say. Because it’s been such a long time, and the world where I am in now is very different.

T: Yeah. The world has changed, and you’re still trying to learn it. But it seems like you’re also still trying to find a world that is safe for your mother, right?

I: Yes.

T: How would it be to keep your mother’s stories alive, in this world? And who might join you sometimes, in that? Just like at the Christmas tree. But not having to wait for Kerstfeest [Christmas] to do it, right?

I: Yeah [laughs]. My family, my children. It’s hard with them because I feel I have to do my best.

T: Sure. But maybe the definition of what is the best can be [gesturing fluidly with hands] flexible, and not quite so. . . [gesturing to form the box], you know?

I: Yeah.

T: [looking up and nodding slowly] I had an idea . . . that your mom kept a journal; she obviously wrote about things that were personal and important and emotional to her. And my guess is that you are personal and important and emotional for her. And I won- der if in the way that you might have the conversations with Mom and maybe can even imagine writing a letter to Mom, if you could imagine her writing a letter back to you, right? [Picking up pad and pen.] What would she say? And did she call you Inge?

I: Yes.

T: And so if you would write a “Dear Mom” letter, what would the “Dear Inge” letter look like? [Pause] It might be something to experiment with, to almost give her your pen [extending pen toward Inge] and your hand [pantomiming writing]. Because I take it you do hold her inside of you [gestures toward heart] some ways. She’s with you in a lot of ways [gesturing to suggest engagement ring]. And maybe she could have some voice. [Inge: Yeah, yeah.] That could be her birthday gift. [Inge, nodding repeatedly: Yeah, yeah.] A birthday letter to Inge. Now are you currently seeing a therapist?

I: I saw An; I’m seeing An, so yes.

T: Yeah, you’re seeing An. So I wonder if we were to—if I were [to] help to share this crazy idea with An about a kind of correspondence with Mom, just as something to try out to invite her in a bit more, would that be of interest to you? 

I: Yeah.

T: You think you could do that?

I: Yeah [nodding repeatedly].

T: So what I’ll do, I’ll look for a couple of moments to talk with An and just share this and brainstorm with her, and then maybe you and she could just try it out and see how it is for you, with no obligation to continue with it.

I: Yeah. That’s a nice idea, yeah.

T: It’s a nice idea. Well, you’re a nice daughter. [Inge laughs softly, moved.] And I think you are giving her the gift of your love still, on this birthday. [Inge maintains strong eye contact through tears, as therapist leans in and shakes her hand firmly.] Thank you so much.

The session concludes with tears not of grief, but of hope, with the prospect that Mom’s stories might find broader circulation in the world and that a daughter’s outreach to a mother she still needs might be imaginatively reciprocated with the assistance of her therapist. A hand- shake concludes a session that honors not only the day of her mother’s birth but also a day that symbolizes the rebirth of their relationship in continuing love.

About the Grief That Moved from a Box to an Externalized but Reachable Place

In the following weeks and months Inge was very surprised at having a “different feeling” toward her mother since the session. Working with TWO chairs, one for her grief and overwhelming sadness and one for her mother, was amazingly important to her, as she could now, for the first time in her grief process (!!), separate these two externalized “others.” Importantly, she could now see and think about her mother in a way that was not only about an intense grief. Since then she has been able to connect with the memories of her mother, think about her, and recall all kinds of memories, without the grief interfering with them. She now was able to access a wide recollection of childhood memories with her mother in many situations (when they were at home during the weekends, when mom was working or preparing dinner, when they went for a trip with the family). She realized that she had captured her mother in a box of sadness for years, so that she could not reach her mother anymore without the overwhelming sadness. 

About Her Realization of the Importance of Mothers

Another thing happening in the days following the session was her new understanding of the enormous importance of mothers for their children. Inge and Erik have 2 kids, and she has now started to think about her own importance as a mother to them and what she wants to be for them. 

About the Gift for Her Mother

Inge later also felt that these new/old memories of her mother are also a gift for her deceased mother as well. As mothers (or parents) we want to be remembered by our kids with a smile on their faces : )

About Erik’s Presence

Erik stressed the fact that it was very important that he got the opportunity not to be next to her but instead to watch this session from a place in which he was not drawn to help or comfort her. Now he was able to listen more carefully to what his wife told him. Inge agreed: if Erik would have been in the same room, she would attune with him, taking care of him, or being afraid to burden him, and being burdened by him. Being there on her own, with Robert, gave her “at least some sense of control.”

Now that he witnessed this session, he felt he had the possibility or space to ask questions about her mother during this weekend, like “What did you do with your mother during the weekends when you were a kid?”

This concludes our reading of this beautiful therapy session. I hope you enjoyed all the insights that emerged in this verbatim transcript of Robert and Inge's session.

Wishing you Well,

Your Shrink in Bansko