counseling

Whatever the issue at stake, there comes a time when certain situations become unmanagable. If the underlying drives creating the situation are not fully conscious, negative repercussions seem to grow in number and force. Although recurring to temporary sources of relief and comfort can sooth somewhat, the effects are often too short lived and become eventually part of the issue itself. Friends may initially be thought as a good source of counselling, but alas, this is rarely the case! At this point, the most important thing to do is to admit to having a problem, admit that there is an issue that is beyond our individual capacities, and that we should seek professional help for. This is harder than it sounds!

Now that you acknowledge there is a problem you need help with, the issue becomes finding someone you can click with and trust. This is not going to be easy, and might even become a demoralising search. Some may give too much or too little info about themselves, some have exorbitant prices, some are not where we would want them to be...and even when everything seems right, the quetion remains: "Is this person right for me?". Going through a friend or acquaintance who can hook you up with someone is often a good way to go. Here at DelaTierra Counselling I contribute to easing this diffficulty by making myself available for a free 15 MIN. CALL to see if we click, or perhaps be of help in finding someone. 15 minutes is not much, but worse comes to worst, you'll have had an emapthic conversation for 15 minutes. Check out the FAQ page to know more.

Whether you have sent me an email or booked a free 15 MIN. CALL, upon receiving your communication I will likely ask myself two questions: "Is this person's issue something I think I can reasonably help with? What can I do for this person right now?". If the answers to these two questions are along the lines of "yes, I can make myself available for a chat", then you are likely to hear from me soon with an invitation for a first 15 minutes contact. If that goes well, and we both agree that it is worth continuing, we'll book a follow up.  See the FAQ page for more info.

Now only a few days or hours before the meeting with me and your soul is getting somewhat agitated. The possibility of opening up to yourself generates both excitement and tension, but most of all, it triggers memories of old unresolved emotions. Before the appointment you might have significant dreams, be unable to sleep well, have trouble remembering appointments or have a fuzzy sense of time, feel anxious, fearful or even very doubtful you made the right choice. Don't worry! This is all absolutely the norm. Healing means opening up to that which we had willingly forgotten and closed up into a cabinet. Resistance is to be expected. The familiar past, despite being hurtful and maladaptive, is also known and favoured. Make it a point to see this as normal and stay strong. Give yourself a chance to know more about your suffering and liberate its vicious operations on you... there is a lot you need to discover about yourself!

Now that we have an appointment things are getting real. You have finally acknowledged that you have an issue important and serious enough to get help and even found someone you clicked with and might find understanding with. While all of this is good news, the anticipation of relief is accompanied by an anticipation of potential disappointment. If I am the right person you will have a solid base to move on and get better, but if I am not, what then? Back to start? Don't worry! While at this stage it would be unwise to hold too many expectations, one thing you can be restassured of with me. You are going to find someone understanding and ready to help you in whatever capacity he has. That means, things are going to get ever so slightly better no matter what.  Stay calm.

A therapeutic encounter can be many things, but with me it is always at least three things: truthful, mindful, empathic. Literally millions of books have been published on the subject, but research shows that the best predictor of positive outcomes is not the method used, but how empathic the therapist was able to be at any one time.

Beyond empathy and mindfulness, however, therapy for me is also a careful analysis of how the ideas we have of ourselves were constructed in our early years. No matter how one's looks at it, what our family believed, parental repressed wounds and level of self-awareness, cultural norms, historical processes, institutional norms, and many more outer pressures have influenced and shaped your idea of your Self. Who you think you are, is a constructed thing for which your consensus was never part of.  For most seeking help this unconsented idea of Self has become unbarable.

The moments and days following a therapeutic encounter are often the most difficult even months into the therapy. If therapy has done what I think it should, then you have come out of it with either one of these two recognitions: 1 ) that you could do more than you ever thought, or 2) that you need to recalibrate your expectations. While these two outcomes may seem at opposite ends to one another, they are, in fact, often triggers of a similar emotional response: fear of the unknown. "What now?" one asks. This dialogue one has opened up with oneself, this powerful relational tool one has begun to discover, can be so unfamiliar to our concept of living, that the beginning of a therapeutic process can mean a lot of tension, stress, doubt, discomfort.  But all of this is normal and it is bound to change. When you realise that ultimately the only person that is always with you, for bad or for good, is you, you will surely come to see the benefits of creating an ideal relationship with yourself.

The unconscious has played a big part in who you have come to be, and will continue to do so throughout this process, but our thinking and imagining also plays a fundamental part. Both are equally important. Becoming healthier involves understanding, and understanding involves self-education. Whether it is understanding the scientific nature of our disease, the philosophical nature of our views of intimate relationships, the cultural or historical pressures behind many of our behaviours, the material or spiritual dimensions of our choices, or the situational and contextual factors of our early childhood, engaging in a process of self-education through reading or self-journaling is in my therapeutic view a necessity. The more you are ready to educate yourself, the smoother a transition you will go through. Equally, the more resistant you are to engaging with your reason, the more you will struggle.

Not all therapeutic processes follow a romantic line and the outcomes can sometimes be as zen as mountain water, cold and bare. All resolutions, however, will imply an opening up towards new possibilities. If you have come this far, you are, so to say, on the verge of experiencing a 'new world'. Sometimes this new world will come as a result of you finally accepting that what you want is really beyond your powers of choice and influence. Retiring from the impossible is a powerful choice. Sometimes, however, this new world come in the form of recognising that we have more power than we ever thought. In either case, the relationship we have with ourselves changes, and with that, our relational, material, emotional, and spiritual engagements with the world. Standing on the verge of this 'new world' can feel really scary, and getting stuck here or even retract is still a possibility. But one more step...and you might pass that point of no return.  

While mastering certain aspects of our lives takes the patience of a craftsman, and the humility of a wise mother, moving towards a more serene and balanced life, in every case, involves learning to open up to those parts our selves that had not been given appropriate recognition, while abandoning those that are the result of insensitive and non-consensual external demands. Each of these, takes courage. Coming to the end of an healing process means all of this, a true discovery.